Hi, me again, this time a different matter. Found this forum so helpful with court claim matter that I thought I would share some more of my concerns this time regarding my son and contact with his dad.
Just to give u a quick brief on the situation of how we have got to where we are now so here goes. Separated from my husband 7 years ago. Contact at first was agreed by both and we had set days, times etc. He didn't stick this, he also messed about with maintenance and caused me lots of problems whereby I had to call the police twice. Eventually he stopped seeing his son. A year and half went by then suddenly he requested contact. We went down the court road as I would only offer supervised contact initially. The court ordered contact at a contact centre with slow progression back into overnight contact. This was going fine then he wanted more and demanded on the doorstep he was taking him abroad, I said we need to discuss it but he refused to discuss or comprise with me so I said no as I thought it was too soon. The next thing I knew I had 2 days notice and was appearing in court this time unrepresented as I had no time to arrange and prepare, also at this time I couldn't afford it.
Just to get you in the loop. My son has suffered a chronic constipation since the age of 3 he is 10 now, possibly linked to stress. I have been to a number of hospitals with him for investigation and no one can find anything wrong with him and therefore believe it is triggered by stress, also diet is very important. I have kept food diaries and contact diaries and episodes of illness all appear to be linked.
My son needs a good diet and routine and structure in his life. The courts went on to force me into agreeing my ex more time i.e. holidays and through mediation we negotiated. As soon as the contact order started my ex started leaving our son with others while he went to work this still continues to date. He has then since caused so many problems and elevated my anxiety as I too have health related issues (hormone problems causing anxiety and other symptoms). Recently my sons health has taken a turn for the worse and he now has sickness related to stress the doctors have suggested its stress and again it appears to be linked. He is missing so much time form school. Its very difficult as he does want to see his dad but quite often will come back and not be entirely happy and eventually talk to me about what made him unhappy. He continuously over the past 2 years has told me he can not talk to his dad about things and i fear this having a huge impact on my sons health. There are also so many issues some which are relevant to my sons welfare and some of which I may be over reacting and are not relevant.
I have had the advice of a solicitor but unfortunately do not have any funds to continue with her suggestions so have I tried to deal with it the way I see best. The advice I was given was for solicitor to send a warning letter out outlining the order and what wasn't exceptable of him also saying if he didn't cohere to it I would have no choice but to stop contact and he is then to apply to the court. The reason for the solicitor sending the letter and not me is that my ex clearly hadn't taken on board the contact order and as I have tried to raise issues in the past but it has even fallen on deaf ears or he has flown off the handle and made it impossible for me to approach him especially as now I feel I have been manipulated by him and have severe anxiety relating to this issue.
Please see below the issues I have had from my ex regarding contact with his son and related problems: (I know not all are relevant)
Ex asked me to collect son (rather than him drop off as per order) earlier than usual time of drop off so ex could go out with friends
ex arranged for son to sleep at his Mother’s so he could go out clubbing.
Ex left son with wife’s family, ex & wife went to a football match.
Son stayed with Gran for the day till 7-8pm.
Ex left son with wife’s family for whole day. Try to discuss these issues with Ex, my understanding is the contact order was for Ex to see and spend time with son as I did not and am not aware I agreed to son being shared around other members of whom I do not even know. Ex very irately told me it’s none of my business and I do not have a right to know where my son is. I have then written Ex a letter regarding this. He replied by letter explaining he is allowed to do this in his time and therefore will inform me if son is with someone else. He never has and this continues during every school holiday.
Ex had been giving son a very poor diet knowing son has chronic constipation and requires a well, balanced diet. I have given Ex numerous fact sheets, explained and even wrote out easy meal ideas. Sons gut transit is slow 5-7 days, son always suffers from constipation nearly a week after being at his dads, this suggests it is the effect of poor diet and emotional suppression whilst with dad. I keep a food diary.
Meeting with Ex took place before taking son on holiday to discuss sons needs and when contact would take place between son and I. I requested Ex contact me on arrival at resort, medication to be taken with water or squash, I gave son spending money, etc.
Ex did not contact me on arrival at resort, I was extremely distressed, tried to contact Ex numerous times, eventually more than seven hours later he replied.
Ex gave son medication in juice not water based drink.
Ex told son to say hurtful things to me on the phone I could hear Ex, very upsetting for me and my son.
Ex complained about the clothing I had brought, washed, packed and ironed. Not all of sons clothes come back and the majority had been screwed up. Following this I asked Ex to buy his own clothes for son but he refuses and then seems intent on trashing clothes I supply for son.
Sons constipation worsened after the holiday with Ex and wife. Son was 4 hours from being admitted into hospital for surgery due to impaction…on medical records.
EX has called son on a few occasions at the designated time when he is drunk and has upset son, has also rung me drunk to tell me his considerably richer and can buy son more than me.
O ver this time I have been quite concerned regarding son’s confidence and mental state he repeated says he is too scared to talk to his dad about any feelings he may have. I on numerous occasions have asked School Counsellor to talk with my son about playground relationships and his constipation complaint and if he had any worries in or out of school could go to her.
My son has ended up with days off school due to constipation and referred back to hospital by GP due to sons bowel being distended again.
I requested Ex kept a food diary. For the following few months Ex gave son a better diet, sons condition improved and I was able to reduce his medication slightly. Unfortunately he has not continued with this.
Ex didn’t call son at telephone contact timer and notify me.
Ex due to have Son for Half term till 23/02/14. Ex called 18/02/14 and informed he wouldn’t be having son due to wife's dad in hospital, I was understanding and sympathetic. I asked Ex to see son for an hour or so maybe for dinner on their own so he could explain to son what was happening so as not to let son feel he had been let down. He never did, instead told son over phone on next contact date Sunday 23 rd Feb that wife's dad had died. Son was very upset and I consoled him. I was very upset with Ex regarding his carelessness towards Oliver. Ex apologised when I raised this issue.
Easter holidays. Ex continues to leave son with other family members and wife's family members.
A meeting took place with Ex at 7pm to discuss this years holiday arrangements etc I raised issues such as: holiday arrangements following last year’s problems i.e. contact. Ex assured me it wouldn’t be a problem and calls could be made to and from his phone at contact hours. Everything seemed fine. Ex was very friendly and we were in agreement over everything.
Evening of sons birthday, son left birthday cakes behind, I tried to contact and ASAP and his mum minutes of him leaving, but no answer so left text message. Got rude message back saying son didn’t want them? son wasn’t even asked and was very upset when I asked him about this.
Holiday 2014: Ex changed times of contact at last minute, made things very awkward. I supplied son with a phone and some credit to be able to text messages me when he wanted. Ex took this phone away from him, and Son was not allowed it back until I picked son up. When I checked the phone the messages I had sent to son had been read. Son had no idea I’d tried to text and was really upset that his dad had stopped him from being able to contact me or read messages id sent to him. The last conversation I had with son he told me he wanted to come home as soon as I got home from my flight on the Friday (Son arrived back day before)His voice was very shaky, I could hear he was upset. Son said dad had agreed to me picking him up on the Friday as soon I arrived back (Ex contact due to end Sunday 1800). I text Ex as soon as I arrived at Airport to inform him of the time I was expected back and would collect son. Ex text me to say I couldn’t pick son up. Son was out and I had to collect Saturday morning instead. I broke down in tears and had severe anxiety attack. After collecting son Saturday morning, feeling very anxious, son couldn’t wait to get home, ran to car didn’t even want to say good bye to dad although I made him say bye. Son was very tearful and clingy. He had been sent to my ex's wife's mum day before as Ex and wife were busy decorating; son didn’t want to go to wife's mums and wanted to come home. Son informed me dad and wife lost him for nearly half an hour whilst on holiday and his dad scared he by shouting at him it was his fault. Turns out son were behind them all along. Son spent a lot of time in kids clubs he didn’t want to go to.
After son arrived home, within minutes ex was messaging son on iPad telling him I dragged him off. I encouraged son to say goodbye briefly as he was running off excited. He replied to Carl on iPad very direct saying`` I said goodbye`` and ``what are you talking about``.
Wife messaging and snap chatting son on iPad in the morning. This is not in court order and happens regularly. son rarely replies anymore and is very abrupt when he does. I have never complained regarding other contact but feel it’s very one sided as I’m not allowed to contact my son when he is with them, therefore I believe this is unacceptable.
Sons first football tournament after injuries and joining new team. Ex had tried to get out of going by using sons sickness he had 48hours prior. Son was fine to play and was excited. Ex dropped son off at 8.30 at Trinity football ground, left him with no food, no drink, no money and no parental supervision. I arrived at 10.15 (wasn’t due to ex had no idea I would turn up) horrified. I supplied son with food and drink, he was very sad he had been left. Ex and wife arrived three hours after tournament started (one hour before it ended) son didn’t even want to sit with them. I tried to encourage him too as it was Ex's weekend. Son was left unattended with a new team he barely knows…..disgusted at the neglect.
Son was feed pancakes and chocolate for lunch and no proper dinner just pasta and pesto from jar. Son said he was hungry but didn’t want to say anything to his dad as the weekend before with him, he feed him with food he doesn’t eat i.e. cheese on toast, son tried to tell him he doesn’t like cheese on toast (never has he won’t eat it). But dad told him tough. Once again this is detrimental to sons health condition and so is holding in his feelings. Ex is fully aware of sons needs. I am deeply concerned for the welfare of my son. I feel he and I am both being manipulated and have been for many years, prior and post contact Order. My son has on occasions complained of being hit round the head if he tells a lie or doesn’t say please and thank you. I have discussed this on the phone with Ex and explained I don’t find this acceptable…gave a scenario of how I have dealt with difficult situations. Ex said he clips him round the ear. Sons opinion of wife has considerably worsened over recent months and now to dislikes her. Son has always said he is too scared to speak to his dad about things he is unhappy about. Recently son has tried to explain how they put ideas in his head and that he gets confused. He says his meaning of feeling scared is that if he says something he won’t be able to see his dad again. He remembers what happened in the past. I have tried to mention this to Ex. Son also says his dad will shout at him. Son has expressed to me he wants to continue seeing his dad at weekends but not so much in the holidays. Only if it is with his dad as majority of the time it isn’t. My son doesn’t want to be left with anyone else but then changes his mind if his bribed. He is happy to stay with Granny and Auntie . My son has also clearly expressed he is happy to go on holiday but don’t want to spend two weeks away from his mother again.
Most recently I have had other issues such a negativity towards my sons schooling from his dad which has caused him to worry... may I point out my son is above average at school, works very hard and does fantastic I am very proud. But he does have trouble staying focused. Today my son has been referred back to the paediatric urgently due to his sickness relating to stress and I have insisted that he has some form of therapy to help manage his emotions in the future.
I have tried to raise my concerns with my ex and explained why I felt I could not approach him (just like my son cant approach him). He has actually tried to twist my words once again but I have it all in writing, and has said he does not feel safe talking to me therefore we are going to mediation which I am pleased about. Its saved me sending out a solicitor letter as we would only end up at mediation anyway prior to going to court again. I feel the courts now need to involve my son and think if I have no joy at mediation then I should stop contact and let him apply to the court. I don't want to upset my sons structure and make things worse though. Also he is due to stay with his dad for 5 days in the holidays and am unsure whether I should stop contact until mediation. Again concerned as don't want to upset my sons routine and structure but at the same time believe it is his dad that is contributing to see health.
Could someone please give me their honest opinion. Sorry this is so long.
Thanks
Just to give u a quick brief on the situation of how we have got to where we are now so here goes. Separated from my husband 7 years ago. Contact at first was agreed by both and we had set days, times etc. He didn't stick this, he also messed about with maintenance and caused me lots of problems whereby I had to call the police twice. Eventually he stopped seeing his son. A year and half went by then suddenly he requested contact. We went down the court road as I would only offer supervised contact initially. The court ordered contact at a contact centre with slow progression back into overnight contact. This was going fine then he wanted more and demanded on the doorstep he was taking him abroad, I said we need to discuss it but he refused to discuss or comprise with me so I said no as I thought it was too soon. The next thing I knew I had 2 days notice and was appearing in court this time unrepresented as I had no time to arrange and prepare, also at this time I couldn't afford it.
Just to get you in the loop. My son has suffered a chronic constipation since the age of 3 he is 10 now, possibly linked to stress. I have been to a number of hospitals with him for investigation and no one can find anything wrong with him and therefore believe it is triggered by stress, also diet is very important. I have kept food diaries and contact diaries and episodes of illness all appear to be linked.
My son needs a good diet and routine and structure in his life. The courts went on to force me into agreeing my ex more time i.e. holidays and through mediation we negotiated. As soon as the contact order started my ex started leaving our son with others while he went to work this still continues to date. He has then since caused so many problems and elevated my anxiety as I too have health related issues (hormone problems causing anxiety and other symptoms). Recently my sons health has taken a turn for the worse and he now has sickness related to stress the doctors have suggested its stress and again it appears to be linked. He is missing so much time form school. Its very difficult as he does want to see his dad but quite often will come back and not be entirely happy and eventually talk to me about what made him unhappy. He continuously over the past 2 years has told me he can not talk to his dad about things and i fear this having a huge impact on my sons health. There are also so many issues some which are relevant to my sons welfare and some of which I may be over reacting and are not relevant.
I have had the advice of a solicitor but unfortunately do not have any funds to continue with her suggestions so have I tried to deal with it the way I see best. The advice I was given was for solicitor to send a warning letter out outlining the order and what wasn't exceptable of him also saying if he didn't cohere to it I would have no choice but to stop contact and he is then to apply to the court. The reason for the solicitor sending the letter and not me is that my ex clearly hadn't taken on board the contact order and as I have tried to raise issues in the past but it has even fallen on deaf ears or he has flown off the handle and made it impossible for me to approach him especially as now I feel I have been manipulated by him and have severe anxiety relating to this issue.
Please see below the issues I have had from my ex regarding contact with his son and related problems: (I know not all are relevant)
Ex asked me to collect son (rather than him drop off as per order) earlier than usual time of drop off so ex could go out with friends
ex arranged for son to sleep at his Mother’s so he could go out clubbing.
Ex left son with wife’s family, ex & wife went to a football match.
Son stayed with Gran for the day till 7-8pm.
Ex left son with wife’s family for whole day. Try to discuss these issues with Ex, my understanding is the contact order was for Ex to see and spend time with son as I did not and am not aware I agreed to son being shared around other members of whom I do not even know. Ex very irately told me it’s none of my business and I do not have a right to know where my son is. I have then written Ex a letter regarding this. He replied by letter explaining he is allowed to do this in his time and therefore will inform me if son is with someone else. He never has and this continues during every school holiday.
Ex had been giving son a very poor diet knowing son has chronic constipation and requires a well, balanced diet. I have given Ex numerous fact sheets, explained and even wrote out easy meal ideas. Sons gut transit is slow 5-7 days, son always suffers from constipation nearly a week after being at his dads, this suggests it is the effect of poor diet and emotional suppression whilst with dad. I keep a food diary.
Meeting with Ex took place before taking son on holiday to discuss sons needs and when contact would take place between son and I. I requested Ex contact me on arrival at resort, medication to be taken with water or squash, I gave son spending money, etc.
Ex did not contact me on arrival at resort, I was extremely distressed, tried to contact Ex numerous times, eventually more than seven hours later he replied.
Ex gave son medication in juice not water based drink.
Ex told son to say hurtful things to me on the phone I could hear Ex, very upsetting for me and my son.
Ex complained about the clothing I had brought, washed, packed and ironed. Not all of sons clothes come back and the majority had been screwed up. Following this I asked Ex to buy his own clothes for son but he refuses and then seems intent on trashing clothes I supply for son.
Sons constipation worsened after the holiday with Ex and wife. Son was 4 hours from being admitted into hospital for surgery due to impaction…on medical records.
EX has called son on a few occasions at the designated time when he is drunk and has upset son, has also rung me drunk to tell me his considerably richer and can buy son more than me.
O ver this time I have been quite concerned regarding son’s confidence and mental state he repeated says he is too scared to talk to his dad about any feelings he may have. I on numerous occasions have asked School Counsellor to talk with my son about playground relationships and his constipation complaint and if he had any worries in or out of school could go to her.
My son has ended up with days off school due to constipation and referred back to hospital by GP due to sons bowel being distended again.
I requested Ex kept a food diary. For the following few months Ex gave son a better diet, sons condition improved and I was able to reduce his medication slightly. Unfortunately he has not continued with this.
Ex didn’t call son at telephone contact timer and notify me.
Ex due to have Son for Half term till 23/02/14. Ex called 18/02/14 and informed he wouldn’t be having son due to wife's dad in hospital, I was understanding and sympathetic. I asked Ex to see son for an hour or so maybe for dinner on their own so he could explain to son what was happening so as not to let son feel he had been let down. He never did, instead told son over phone on next contact date Sunday 23 rd Feb that wife's dad had died. Son was very upset and I consoled him. I was very upset with Ex regarding his carelessness towards Oliver. Ex apologised when I raised this issue.
Easter holidays. Ex continues to leave son with other family members and wife's family members.
A meeting took place with Ex at 7pm to discuss this years holiday arrangements etc I raised issues such as: holiday arrangements following last year’s problems i.e. contact. Ex assured me it wouldn’t be a problem and calls could be made to and from his phone at contact hours. Everything seemed fine. Ex was very friendly and we were in agreement over everything.
Evening of sons birthday, son left birthday cakes behind, I tried to contact and ASAP and his mum minutes of him leaving, but no answer so left text message. Got rude message back saying son didn’t want them? son wasn’t even asked and was very upset when I asked him about this.
Holiday 2014: Ex changed times of contact at last minute, made things very awkward. I supplied son with a phone and some credit to be able to text messages me when he wanted. Ex took this phone away from him, and Son was not allowed it back until I picked son up. When I checked the phone the messages I had sent to son had been read. Son had no idea I’d tried to text and was really upset that his dad had stopped him from being able to contact me or read messages id sent to him. The last conversation I had with son he told me he wanted to come home as soon as I got home from my flight on the Friday (Son arrived back day before)His voice was very shaky, I could hear he was upset. Son said dad had agreed to me picking him up on the Friday as soon I arrived back (Ex contact due to end Sunday 1800). I text Ex as soon as I arrived at Airport to inform him of the time I was expected back and would collect son. Ex text me to say I couldn’t pick son up. Son was out and I had to collect Saturday morning instead. I broke down in tears and had severe anxiety attack. After collecting son Saturday morning, feeling very anxious, son couldn’t wait to get home, ran to car didn’t even want to say good bye to dad although I made him say bye. Son was very tearful and clingy. He had been sent to my ex's wife's mum day before as Ex and wife were busy decorating; son didn’t want to go to wife's mums and wanted to come home. Son informed me dad and wife lost him for nearly half an hour whilst on holiday and his dad scared he by shouting at him it was his fault. Turns out son were behind them all along. Son spent a lot of time in kids clubs he didn’t want to go to.
After son arrived home, within minutes ex was messaging son on iPad telling him I dragged him off. I encouraged son to say goodbye briefly as he was running off excited. He replied to Carl on iPad very direct saying`` I said goodbye`` and ``what are you talking about``.
Wife messaging and snap chatting son on iPad in the morning. This is not in court order and happens regularly. son rarely replies anymore and is very abrupt when he does. I have never complained regarding other contact but feel it’s very one sided as I’m not allowed to contact my son when he is with them, therefore I believe this is unacceptable.
Sons first football tournament after injuries and joining new team. Ex had tried to get out of going by using sons sickness he had 48hours prior. Son was fine to play and was excited. Ex dropped son off at 8.30 at Trinity football ground, left him with no food, no drink, no money and no parental supervision. I arrived at 10.15 (wasn’t due to ex had no idea I would turn up) horrified. I supplied son with food and drink, he was very sad he had been left. Ex and wife arrived three hours after tournament started (one hour before it ended) son didn’t even want to sit with them. I tried to encourage him too as it was Ex's weekend. Son was left unattended with a new team he barely knows…..disgusted at the neglect.
Son was feed pancakes and chocolate for lunch and no proper dinner just pasta and pesto from jar. Son said he was hungry but didn’t want to say anything to his dad as the weekend before with him, he feed him with food he doesn’t eat i.e. cheese on toast, son tried to tell him he doesn’t like cheese on toast (never has he won’t eat it). But dad told him tough. Once again this is detrimental to sons health condition and so is holding in his feelings. Ex is fully aware of sons needs. I am deeply concerned for the welfare of my son. I feel he and I am both being manipulated and have been for many years, prior and post contact Order. My son has on occasions complained of being hit round the head if he tells a lie or doesn’t say please and thank you. I have discussed this on the phone with Ex and explained I don’t find this acceptable…gave a scenario of how I have dealt with difficult situations. Ex said he clips him round the ear. Sons opinion of wife has considerably worsened over recent months and now to dislikes her. Son has always said he is too scared to speak to his dad about things he is unhappy about. Recently son has tried to explain how they put ideas in his head and that he gets confused. He says his meaning of feeling scared is that if he says something he won’t be able to see his dad again. He remembers what happened in the past. I have tried to mention this to Ex. Son also says his dad will shout at him. Son has expressed to me he wants to continue seeing his dad at weekends but not so much in the holidays. Only if it is with his dad as majority of the time it isn’t. My son doesn’t want to be left with anyone else but then changes his mind if his bribed. He is happy to stay with Granny and Auntie . My son has also clearly expressed he is happy to go on holiday but don’t want to spend two weeks away from his mother again.
Most recently I have had other issues such a negativity towards my sons schooling from his dad which has caused him to worry... may I point out my son is above average at school, works very hard and does fantastic I am very proud. But he does have trouble staying focused. Today my son has been referred back to the paediatric urgently due to his sickness relating to stress and I have insisted that he has some form of therapy to help manage his emotions in the future.
I have tried to raise my concerns with my ex and explained why I felt I could not approach him (just like my son cant approach him). He has actually tried to twist my words once again but I have it all in writing, and has said he does not feel safe talking to me therefore we are going to mediation which I am pleased about. Its saved me sending out a solicitor letter as we would only end up at mediation anyway prior to going to court again. I feel the courts now need to involve my son and think if I have no joy at mediation then I should stop contact and let him apply to the court. I don't want to upset my sons structure and make things worse though. Also he is due to stay with his dad for 5 days in the holidays and am unsure whether I should stop contact until mediation. Again concerned as don't want to upset my sons routine and structure but at the same time believe it is his dad that is contributing to see health.
Could someone please give me their honest opinion. Sorry this is so long.
Thanks
Contact Order and welfare concerns
